June Roundup, '17

Let's face it. There really is too much television. No use denying it any longer. Or the fact that I'm literally never going to get past February 2017 in my DVR backlog. Nevertheless, I'll persist. And resist the facts. (Come on, political statements!) Anyhow, I've done the monthly premiere thing once again. Nothing extra amazing this time, I'm afraid, so no bold text to look for. (See previous blog posts if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Or if you're just here in general. 'Cause... that's kinda the point.)

Watch this shit:

• Claws

  Okay, here's the thing... With a name like "Claws" and the way TNT advertised it, you'd expect that you're in for a fun romp in a nail salon headed by the absolute piece of heaven that is Niecy Nash. You'd be very disappointed. This is not a comedy. It is a straight drama featuring characters who happen to be funny on occasion. So, if you go into it expecting interesting characters, crazy plot lines, and dramatic goodness with the occasional chuckle, then you'll like this series as much as I did. (A lot.)

• GLOW

  Alison Brie is a struggling actress in 1980s Los Angeles who, when robbed by preteen assholes, devotes her life to playing a wrestler in a new series and/or possibly actually being a wrestler (it's unclear, even to her). It's a good time. Also, Rich Sommer gets all sexual. (My crush on that man is intense.)

• The Gong Show

  The original Gong Show is not rerunning on Buzzr. Therefor, '90s kids like myself have never gotten to see it. I honestly had no idea what this reiteration would be about, other than Mike Myers hosting as not-Mike Meyers. Turns out it's a wacky talent show with a gong that works sort of the the same way boos and Sandman work at the Apollo. It's also judged by three comedians, so it's essentially good family fun that's funnier than AGT. EXCEPT WHEN PSYCHOS PUT SPIDERS IN THEIR MOUTHS LIKE SOME PSYCHO-ASS PSYCHOS.

• The Mist

  The creep-factor is really real with this one. I loved the film version of Stephen King's book, but I don't remember it being as buggy as this series. "Buggy," not as in full of glitches, but as in: mad bugs everywhere eating bitches and otherwise making them crazy. (What is it with this month and spiders and shit running a muck?) It's also much more fleshed out, which does have the ability to make things feel a bit melodramatic at times. Abstinence-only education, pansexuals, football players exercising their right to rape without consequence, and (shock of the century) the only black character so far getting locked up in jail real quick, even while wearing his military uniform. And this is all pretty much before a mysterious giant cloud engulfs the entire town! Twists and turns abound, my friends. The larger twist: everyone getting stuck in a shopping mall, rather than the film version's grocery store. If this weren't a Spike series, I'd say a makeover montage was bound to happen.

Meh (a.k.a. Watch this, or don't, *shrug*):

• Battle of the Network Stars

  For the folks like myself who were not around 40 years ago to watch the original, think: American Ninja Warrior with the Stars. It's not bad TV, but it sure ain't great TV. Just some silly summer fun and another addition to the ever-growing reboots list.

• Blood Drive

  What in the mother fuck did I just watch? Long story short: Cars now only run on blood because... reasons. And said cars are literal giant mouths that eat bitches alive because... cars gotta drive, amirite? That is, of course, when they don't get shorted out by sex happening inside of them (doggy-style being the top of the pops, by the way).

  Also cops beat people that steal water. Shit is extra crazy.

  Basically, they're trying to make grindhouse work on contemporary television. Whether or not it will is still up for debate. Hence, this sucker being in the "Meh" category.

  P.S. There is a sexy-ass man wearing a hand towel at one point, so that's worth watching, at least. Also that one dude from that one franchise takes his shirt off too.

Don't watch this shit:

• Daytime Divas

  Your standard behind-the-scenes look at female hosts (of a View-type series) being catty and trying to tear each other down. As far as I'm concerned, UnREAL is the only series that's ever managed to do this right.

• I'm Dying Up Here

  Not an enormously interesting series. An up-and-coming comedian in 1970's Hollywood gets his big break on Carson and even gets invited to the couch after his set (the ultimate seal of approval for any comedian back in the day). He promptly leaves to celebrate and subsequently, intentionally, walks in front of a bus because, apparently, there's no going up from there. Showtime is essentially doing to comedy what HBO did to music, and we all know how well that worked out.

  There are chuckles here and there, sure, but nothing to write home about. Especially not the moment the only female comedian finally finds her comedic voice (by choosing baby names while simulating a blowjob, btw). It falls pretty damn flat for me, even with the ridiculous uplifting score playing in the background over the remarkably loud laughter from the audience. And it only further proves how very much this show is created, written, and directed by... you guessed it: men. My worry from the very beginning, when this series was first announced, was that it would be a boys club. Learning that Ari Graynor would be a lead put me at ease. Finally seeing it now, though... not so much with the ease.