May Roundup, '20
In a continued quarantine with over 100,000 deaths here in the US, the world is forced to now also mourn the needless end of more black lives at the hands of police. It's difficult for me to say anything about it that others haven't already said better, so I'll just wish a sincere Rest in Peace to George Floyd and Tony McDade and ask that, if you can, you donate to their respective fundraiser campaigns and Black Visions Collective (a black, trans, and queer-led organization).
With that said, this entirely disappointing month also brought with it a whole fucking bunch of blah shows and yet another streaming service in HBO Max. So far, they've got one incredible documentary, a very fun ballroom competition series, and a good BBC comedy, but otherwise... meh. Possibly the largest group of "Meh" shows out of all the previous roundups, come to think of it. Maybe the complete garbage in all of our lives is making me hate, like... everything? I don't know. Just keep washing your hands, staying the fuck home, and ignoring everything the president ever says or does.
Watch This Shit:
Amy and her husband banter while he cooks, she makes a drink, and their nanny records them. It's hilarious. Watch it, folks..
Female Skateboarders: The Comedy Series. It's a real good time.
If you've been watching Bob's Burgers over the years, you know they've leaned heavy into musical territory. This new series from one of Bob's co-creators is a full-blown musical and a love letter to Central Park (and also an adventure tale of heroes stopping money-grubbers from turning it into condos or whatever). It's super cute.
True crime meets Who Do You Think You Are? My immediate reaction was, "Gurl, what?" But once they broke it down and explained it, I was on board. Very simply: adding DNA science to genealogy. You get a certain percentage of genetic traits from each previous generation of your family. So, for example, an adopted person can hypothetically find their birth parents just by getting a genetic work-up. In that same vein, you can use DNA from crime scenes to find relatives of criminals and in turn, hopefully, the criminal themself. It's pretty interesting stuff.
A NMFS officer who, for most of her free time, parties way too hearty in Provincetown (I had my honeymoon there, it's super gay and lovely) happens upon the body of a murder victim. (So, I guess it's sometimes not-so-lovely, at least for the purposes of this intense crime drama.) The series opens with the murder itself, so it's not a mystery who kills the woman, but the why exactly (I've gotta assume it's drug-related since she was sucking on a fentanyl lollipop for fun) is the heart of the matter. A friend of the victim, who's timely bladder kept her from meeting her friends' fate, also plays a heavy hand in the dramz, as does the wife of the man who probably ordered the hit. In a month full of plenty of "Meh," this one's the drama I'll be sticking with.
A much deeper dive into the crimes and victims of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell than ABC took in their Truth & Lies series (though that's still worth a watch). If you don't already know (get out from under your incredibly large rock), Epstein was a truly vile serial rapist who killed himself while in police custody after FINALLY getting arrested for a very wealthily and terribly kept secret. Ghislaine Maxwell is currently in hiding, evading arrest, and [laughably] attempting to get paid by Epstein's estate.
Fairy tales in grim [as. fuck.] quarter-hour insane animation. (Insanimation, maybe?)
Ballroom: The Competition Series. Nuff said.
Josh Gad's YouTube series remotely reunites the cast and creators of iconic shit for various Coronavirus-related charities and it's super cute.
Aliens accidentally land on Earth and they all kinda love it except for the dad who really, really doesn't. It's Rick & Morty meets 3rd Rock. And they can say "fuck!"
As an unapologetic hater of the current US president, I feel incredibly apprehensive about anything that couple possibly give his bullshit any semblance of credence whatsoever. Thankfully this series is clearly on the side of fact. That fact being: Drumpf is a fucking moron. It's Veep with an Office twang and it's really fucking funny.
After realizing that no one's trying to pay for more streaming services (especially if you're just gonna up and cancel your good shows), DC Universe has figured that airing their episodes on linear TV after first premiering them on their service might make them some actual money. Anyway, from what I can tell (the first episode is a LOT of intro), a new-kid-in-town teenager finds her new step-dad's old secret (and "cosmic?") staff which helps reveal that she's a second-generation superhero, with some gymnastics skills to boot. Since the first gen was wiped out, their evil counterparts still ran many amoks, so it's up to the new generation to take them down.
As far as the CW is concerned, they should consider themselves very luck because in terms of the quality they usually churn out, this series is well above par.
A docuseries taking a deep dive into crimes that got more than their fair share of media attention and how that attention affected their judicial outcomes. The first episode deals with the murder of Scott Amedure which, being a gay '90s kid, is still unfortunately fresh on my mind.
Meh:
It's The Great British Garden-Off! In each episode, florists compete against one another for "best in bloom." (lol, I know, right?)
If you choose to watch it, you will definitely roll your eyes a few times, but there is pretty shit to look at between rolls, so it's maybe worth it?
Hulu's answer to Dickinson. If wacky period-dramas are your thing, I guess check it out, but it's getting a hearty "meh" from me. (Nicholas Hoult is real pretty, though.)
I was actually quite excited got this one. The "queering of old Hollywood" sounded real good to me. But, in the first episode at least, old Hollywood through the Ryan Murphy lens essentially amounts to a stupidly handsome white dude (seriously, you could spelunk into his fucking dimples) becoming a gas station hooker who draws the line at doing anything gay (fucking a woman who isn't his pregnant [with twins] wife is a-okay, but giving Cole Porter a handy-j is just too much?) and, therefore, happily pimps out a sex-worker of color (whom he illegally detains, by the way) to do his gay "dirty" work for him. So, yay diversity?
In this heavy '80s drama, Mark Ruffalo plays identical twins, one of whom is on the less-than-well side of the mental health spectrum, made evident by him cutting off his own hand in what he calls a "religious sacrifice." At the hospital, when presented with the choice, the saner brother respects his now one-handed brother's decision. And that's all just in the first six minutes, y'all. It's a limited series that will clock in at 6 episodes and it is chock-full of amazing actors, so definitely give it a chance (unless you're spending more time in the depression corner of this quarantine).
The entirety of Anna Kendrick's love life, if that seems interesting to you.
Apparently there'll be a different character the show will focus on each season, so if (like me) you aren't fully obsessed with her, maybe wait and see who stars in season 2 (if there is one).
A lovely little lesbian revitalizes her small Maine town with moose shit. And now that there's a reality show about it, I think she's officially created more jobs than our president has, which means: LESBIANS SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING.
Anyway, it's a fun show. Maybe give it a try.
Adoption: The British Comedy. A straight couple who can do whatever they want without consequence (including throwing strangers' phones into lakes and fucking on a gotdamn bus) just can't conceive a baby. So, they decide to adopt and find that, aw poor them, it's difficult.
You might find it funnier if you're not gay, I guess.
San Junipero: The [Expensive] Comedy. It's 2033 and Robbie Amell is [kind of a douche and] in a digital afterlife on his girlfriend's dime. For someone clinically diagnosed with death anxiety, it's a bit much for me personally, but it comes from the same mind that brought you the American Office and Parks & Rec, so give it a shot if you can handle the thought of eternity without getting a panic attack. (Too real? [Answer: YES.])
Ibiza: The British Crime Mystery. A sister travels to where her brother was last seen twenty years prior in the hopes of solving his murder, whilst getting sucked into their local drug scene. The plot is definitely a bit on the ridiculous side, but Juan Diego Botto is a real good time (go watch all of Good Behavior if you haven't already) and whoever that blonde boy is is heaps pretty, so at least there'll be men to ogle while slogging through it.
HOWEVER, #newrule: if I see one more gotdamn orgy scene full of 87 pairs of tits, but not a single visible penis, I'm gonna fucking lose my mind [some more].
Don't Watch This Shit:
Bakeaway Camp with Martha Stewart
A bunch of bakers compete in Martha's backyard's backyard (a camp ground near her house) for the chance to, like, be in her presence? And when they're not competing, they get to "enjoy" some mandatory camp activities because... fun?
It's basically just the poor man's British Bake-Off without the entertaining hosts or sexy accents. (Sorry, Martha. A wealthy Mid-Atlantic what-I-call douchenoise does not an accent make.)
Is this real life? What the fuck are you actually going through right now, Fox? You really think folks want to watch "celebrities" watching your shows... AS A SHOW? Like, are you okay?
Fox! Come on. Now you're just ripping off The Bachelor? And sucking poor Charlotte into it? AND making it about creating a damn child? That's fully insane. How about you cancel this shit and create "So You Think You Can Adopt?"
A Georgia loser, whose life ambition is to become a boys basketball coach (just like his dickhead of a father), finds out he's a dad to a 10-year-old boy on the same day he has an interview for his dream job. When he (#shocker) doesn't get the job, he also finds out his son is a great basketball player. Then he (#SHOCK. #ER.) immediately turns into a terrible father and attempts to exploit him. Sasheer Zamata may be the only saving grace of the show, but she barely gets any screen time, so...
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, FOX. SERIOUSLY. Y'all though GLOBAL PANDEMIC + Social Distancing = best time for TAG? Make people watch a "sport" based solely on TOUCHING OTHER PEOPLE? I mean, JESUS, dude. THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Honorable Mention:
Comedians love up on their mamas. It's real cute.
The tale of Cyrano de Bergerac, if he were a small-town high-school lesbian making mad money writing papers for people.
Have a Good Trip: Adventures in Psychedelics
Drunk History meets acid in this LSD comedy doc, over a decade in the making.
Issa Rae and Kumail Nanjiani get sucked up into a murder immediately after they break up. It's full insanity, but shoutout to Issa's unicorn outfit. I'm into it.
A powerful documentary about producer Drew Dixon, a survivor of sexual assault and harassment by Russell Simmons, that also largely encompasses the history of '90s Hip-Hop and the necessity for the #MeToo movement, most especially for women of color.
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs. the Reverend
Yesssss. Netflix gives us their second interactive special with Tina Fey's comedy kicking Black Mirror's sci-fi asshole.
The Shit I Missed:
A British comedy about a whole mess of ghosts [not-]living in a massive estate home which was newly inherited by a young couple who hope to turn it into a hotel. Not keen on welcoming an array of strangers into their [un-]lives, the ghosts attempt a bit of a murder, which ultimately just leads to one of the young couple now being able to see and speak with the ghosts.
This one premiered in the UK last year, but is just getting it's US premiere this month on HBO Max.
Improv: The Jean-Ralphio & What's-His-Face-from-Silicon Valley Stage Show. My problem with it is that it's only three episodes, dammit.
A Haunting is back! Or, wait, no. It's just Travel Channel's new clone of A Haunting, even though A Haunting is currently one of their own shows. So... 🙃
Look, I don't know why they decided to make a whole new series rather than a new season of an already established series, but whatevs, haunting stories are a good time.