October Roundup, '21
What a dang treat of a month! Chucky, Michael Myers, Last Summer's shitty shenanigans, zombies having a-whole-nother Day, and the 5cream trailer. Not to mention: bingo and vampires and ghosts, OH MY. Ugh, just delicious, I tell you. Absolutely fucking delish!
Anyway, here's all the other shit too...
Watch This Shit:
A wild true crime tale of a daughter accusing her father of the rape and murder of her childhood best friend, decades after the fact, when repressed memories of the incident surface.
The doll we all love to hate is back to continue where Cult of Chucky left off. (That's right, kids. That cunty 2019 remake is fully ignored, as well it should be.) A small-town east coast queerdo artist (Sidebar: Did Don Mancini's fine ass literally write this about me? I mean, damn.) gets his hands on one of the possessed Good Guy dolls (Yes, I said "one of!" Look, if you haven't watched all of the Child's Play films by now, there's nothing I can do for you.) and, naturally, shit quickly gets hack-n-slash-y. (I'm really tired, y'all. Give me a better pun and I'll update this post, k? Thanks.)
It's billed as a remake of Romero's 1985 film, though it doesn't seem to actually have any plot similarities other than: zombies. However, it should definitely get a pass on trying to profit off of a well-known name because it's clearly made by Romero fans. This labor of horror love is a welcome return to zombie outbreak fun that's been sorely lacking on TV in the past few years. (I'm looking at you, Walking Dead's endless experiment in grief porn.)
Eli Roth Presents: A Ghost Ruined My Life
First and foremost: fuck Eli Roth's overrated ass. But second of all, other than narrating the intro, he doesn't have much to do with this A Haunting knock-off. (Which I'm not mad at because A Haunting is a not-so-guilty pleasure of mine, and the Travel Channel needs to quit fucking up and make a new season of it already.)
A bunch of fun ghosts haunting a big-ass house get real nervous when a couple move in after inheriting it. One thing leads to another and the wife almost dies, then survives, and wakes up with the ability to see the ghosts.
It's based on a British show of the same name, which I really liked and was prepared to hate this new version for, but... it's real cute. Plus the couple is iZombie and Mindy's little brother, who are both a real good time.
Conspiracy theories as adult animation. Honestly, they had me at Ron Funches as Mothman.
It's Girls5eva, except good.
What Happened, Brittany Murphy?
This 2-episode docuseries jumps back and forth between true crime tabloid sensationalism and the touching tribute Brittany Murphy deserves. But I suppose when the life of a Hollywood starlet ends so sensationally, there's unfortunately no avoiding it. Regardless... if you were ever a fan of Brittany's, watch this to love her even more than you already do. Just be prepared for your hate for Simon Monjack to grow exponentially as well.
Meh:
A whole bunch of people (4,400 of them [get ittt?]) from all walks of life, from all over the globe, and all at different time periods, suddenly disappear and immediately (as far as they know) reappear in a Detroit field in 2021. The government doesn't know what to do with them, they don't know what the hell's going on, and a few of them are realizing they've suddenly got super powers.
Now, I'm actually an old enough fucker to have watched the original series it's based on way back when. And old enough to kinda forget exactly how it ended. But what I do remember is that it started great and then got... really not. This go around, it's starting just okay. But definitely has potential to get much better.
Kate Beckinsale is a disgraced journalist who gets handed the next big "innocent convict" story. It's a good time, but it would be better if it stopped trying so hard to be a drama. It's a comedy. Full stop.
I Know What You Did Last Summer
A handful of new characters, all of whom barely have a hint of likability, make up this present-day take on the 1997 film which is much less that than it is a lame Euphoria knock-off. I'll watch the rest eventually just to see how it ends (and because the twist at the end of the first episode was juuuuust good enough to pique interest), but it certainly ain't must-see-TV. It's just what happens when a bunch of dummies think they can do better than Kevin Williamson.
Disney's Are You Afraid of the Dark? Watch it with your kids when it's time to get them into spooky shit.
Once it gets past introducing us to even more unlikable teenagers (because I guess TV execs think we can't get enough of them these days), it gets into the whodunnit of it all and that's where the story gets interesting. During an afternoon detention, the most unliked kid (who got that way by spending all of his time disliking literally everybody for <sarcasm>very legitimate</sarcasm> whiney white kid reasons)... mysteriously dies from a few sips of water.
Does it sound silly? Yes. But would it be much higher above IKWYDLS on my Meh list if it weren't alphabetical? Very yes.
Don't Watch This Shit:
Someone get Michelle Trachtenberg whatever help she needs. Please.
Honorable Mentions:
Kinda VFW, but in a bingo hall. It's a good time.
When I hear "New Orleans vampires," I think of The Originals, a.k.a. How Many Times Can a Family of Vampires Kill Each Other Over and Over Again Forever and Fucking Ever Goddamnit This Show Is Exhausting. Thankfully, this film is very not that. If anything, it feels like what a 2021 Buffy reboot would be, just minus the patriarchal bullshit that was the Watcher's Council. (P.S. I swear that whole review came out of me before the main character name-dropped Buffy halfway through the film. Which is just to say... good on Sherman Payne! [He wrote this lovely shit. (HOWEVER, spoiler alert: guess which member of the new Scooby gang dies? I suppose there had to be at least one shitty trope.)])
On the not-so-spooky side of things, this special sees a bunch of adorable old folks take a comedy workshop with one of my favorite comedians and put on their first standup show.
October 31st, 2018: Part 2. Get the fuck into it.
This one (as with damn near all anthology films) is hit or miss, but the couple of short films that do hit... hit haaard. So, it's definitely worth it. Plus there's another Buffy mention, which simply means I can't not recommend it. It's Stanning law.
The Shit I Missed:
Fathers Are Irrelevant: A Docuseries.
True Crime Story: It Couldn't Happen Here
Sundance's true crime anthology series focuses on a different case of small town murder in each episode. Originally premiering back in September, it just slipped right by me. But when its second season (subtitled Indefensible and focusing on batshit criminal defenses) popped up a whole month later, I took note. It seems this is not only an episodic anthology, but an overall exploration of all true crime subgenres.