September Roundup, '17

Trying things a bit differently this month. Since I'm never, in all of the rest my life, going to be caught up with all current shows again... rather than posting all microreviews at the end of the month, I'll update this post throughout the month, after the individual series premieres. "Why," you might ask? "I don't know, like... 'cause," I'd reply. Anyway, the really good shit is in bold.

Watch This Shit:

• American Vandal

  Viceland meets Documentary Now! "Who spray painted the dicks?" is Netflix's answer to "Who shot J.R.?"

• Big Mouth

  Puberty is animated and hilarious. Also, a bit easier if you're lucky enough to have the ghost of Duke Ellington trapped in your attic.

• The Confession Tapes

  Leave it to Netflix to turn true crime on its head. The first two episodes deal with one case, but six are documented throughout the first season. The gist is: crimes are committed, criminals confess, confessions are recorded. Summed up and tied in a pretty Qtv bow, it doesn't sound all that interesting. But, bitch, it is.

• The Disappearance of Maura Murray

  Another true crime series, you say? Shock and awe! I wanted to be really mad at this, since seemingly every damn network that exists is trying to put out the next big Serial. This was clearly just Oxygen trying to turn "The Disappearance of..." into a franchise. But, y'all, it's actually fascinating. They're calling this true crime, to lump it into that big-ass crowd of t.c. shows, but it's actually true mystery. This particular missing woman may very well be alive and well somewhere, happily being not found. Fingers crossed.

• Electric Dreams

  A pretty fantastic Sci-Fi anthology series based on the work of Philip K. Dick. I'm not the biggest fan of Sci-Fi, in general, and I enjoyed the shit out of this.

• Inhumans

  There's a lot to unpack here. I'll do my best. Mutants (think X-Men, but less save-the-world-y) live in an invisible bubble on the moon. Most of them are cool with it, but the cute guy from Vicious is not. He went through their "stand in a box while a blue crystal makes you special" trial and came out not special, you see. So, he fucks shit up for his brother and sister-in-law, the King and Queen (the latter of whom, by the way, he's got a total evil boner for), and sends the good folks fleeing to Earth, the inhabitants of which have no idea these weird bitches even exist, let alone have lived on their damn moon. Crazy Marvel dramatics ensue.

  P.S. Does anyone else's entire body sing whenever they hear "Paint It Black?"

• Me, Myself & I

  This one's magical, y'all. A single life story, told at three different times of life, simultaneously. Plus, Urkle!

• Tales from the Tour Bus

  One of animation's biggest champions takes us on a strange documentary journey through band roadies' tales of old. Don't let the focus on country music throw you. This ain't really about that.

• Tin Star

  A London transplant moves to small-town Canada where he becomes police chief and appears to subsequently get shot to death in the fucking face. This sucker's mad gritty, y'all.

Meh (a.k.a. Watch This Shit, or Don't):

• '90s House

  Oh, it hurts. The pain of it all, y'all. Is this how real 70's kids felt when That 70's Show started?

  If you give it a go, you'll get such choice lines as "Three of you will be chillin'... one of you will be illin'" and "I think that my style is just killin' way more than him." So, there's that.

• Chandra Levy: An American Murder Mystery

  At three episodes, this isn't a lot to commit to (which may be the only reason this isn't in this month's "Meh" list). And if you're a true crime junkie, you might just love this. But it doesn't offer a lot of new insight, other than the rantings of Condit's old driver who also claims to have been a very, very good friend. For me, though, it just reduced the untimely death of a woman to sadness about how much rich, cishet, white men can get away with.

• The Deuce

  In a nutshell: 1970's sex. It's finding me during a moment of not finding sex fascinating, even when there are two James Francos and no matter how close HBO gets to actually showing a blowjob. So... meh.

• Evil Things

  I don't want to support the channel that brought us the Duggars, but... I love dumb, terrible, haunted shows like these! They're such a guilty pleasure. All the actors being paid to play down-home folks all tell their "true" stories in the same monotone drawl, and the reenactors are just awful and it's ... so good! However comma... the reason it's in "meh" is because the first episode deals with paranormal activity being caught on tape. But they never show the actual footage! What kind of fuckery is that? No bueno, producers.

• Jack Whitehall: Travels With My Father

  My incredible love for Jack Whitehall and his delicious lips notwithstanding, this series is okay. It's funny, sure, but some of those "unscripted" interactions can cause some serious eyerolls. For pure, hearty laughs which include those big-ass Brit lips, just watch Bad Education.

Don't Watch This Shit:

• The Good Doctor

  Norman Bates tries to be Doogie Howser. Pass. Feels like the Heartbeat of this season.

• Law & Order: True Crime

  Same "Dick Wolf Cash Register Sound" and same melodrama, true to L&O form, except this time they're tacking "True" to the top of it. Plainly, the script is paint by numbers. It's lovely having Edie Falco back on our screens, but even she can't make this good TV. And the cutest cute dad who has ever cuted is now newly pornstached and, suffice it to say, less than cute.

  P.S. Heather Graham grabs a dick while saying "Who's gonna take care of Doctor Daddy?" This hilarity is the sole reason to watch the first episode, and the first episode alone. If you're lucky, the scene will end up on YouTube to save you the time.

• The Magic School Bus Rides Again

  Sit your child in front of the television. Press play on this new Netflix iteration of Magic Schoolbus. Walk away. Drink lots of wine.

  That's right, folks! It's a plot twist! This show is completely and totally watchable... if you are a child. And for you parents, it's the perfect opportunity to smoke 'em if you got 'em and not feel bad about it.

• The Orville

  My problem with this series is pop culture. Someone making a reference to Papa Smurf is not a thing that would not happen three centuries from now. It's akin to people speaking today's English three centuries ago. That being said, however... I have an uncomfortable crush on Seth MacFarlane and Adrianne Palicki is the shit. So, I'm giving this Family Guy/Star Trek mashup a "Watch" for now.

  *Edit* Just watched episode 3. Massive swing, even bigger miss. Basic premise: "Being female is a birth defect that should be corrected. - Or should it? - It should." lol, Remember when Papa Smurf was my biggest problem with this series? Do. Not. Fucking. Watch. It.

• Star Trek: Discovery

  I just don't get it. I tried, I really did. But I will never, ever get it. In this, or any other galazy far, far away. I an not now, nor will I ever be, a Trekkie. Or a... Wars-ie(?), for that matter. Bryan Fuller's the only reason (other than Sonequa Martin-Green) that I even gave this series a shot, but since he's stepped down from his post behind-the-scenes, I'm just left with the extreme boringness of space. No, thank you.