The All-the-shit-I-missed Roundup! '17

If the current state of my May calendar is any indication, it's gonna be a slow month for series premieres. (Sidebar: If you're not using EpisodeCalendar.com, what are you doing with your life?) Except, of course, for Twin Peaks, mother fuckers! (Though, that's technically just a new season. Suffice to say, watch that shit.) So, here's everything I somehow missed in my total mess of a life full of DVR backlog madness. As always, the real good shit is in bold. P.S.: You may or may not be able to tell that I got myself a Seeso subscription. 'Cause I definitely needed another gotdanged platform on which to watch way too much television. Anyway, they have shit worth watching. Consider this my official Seeso plug.

Watch this shit:

• The Breaks

  If you're as confused as I was about why the first episode of the series started with a "Previously on...," then you probably had no idea either that The Breaks started as a made-for-TV movie last year. The movie does a great job of setting up the series, but the first episode itself doesn't do the same. So, I wouldn't devote time to this series unless you plan to watch the movie first. With all that said: The movie and the series (though, albeit a bit slower than the film) are worth watching. Its a fictionalized account of 80's kids loving Hip-Hop and trying to make their 90's careers revolve around it. Chock-full of throwback jams which VH1 ironically never dared to play back when the series takes place. And even more ironically: The Breaks is moving to BET for its second season. So, VH1 sort of still refuses to play it.

• Brown Girls

  A web series centering around two women of color being single, sexually active, and not vapid. We need so much more of this. Period.

• Carters Get Rich

  Super cute British sitcom about a young boy who accidentally creates the "next big thing" (all because he wanted to be able to talk to a girl) and makes his family £10 million.

• Dave & Ethan: Lovemakers

  Okay, here's what really hooked me: About 00:58 seconds into the first episode, Ethan does one hell of a spin. That's really all I needed to add this to the "Watch" list. It definitely wasn't the fucking verbally abusive, incredibly boring, hella controlling, complete-lack-of-any-remotely-positive-character-trait-having Real World cast member who happened to be the bachelor of this ultra-unique dating game show/sketch show hybrid.

• Debate Wars

  I have an uncomfortable crush on Michael Ian Black. His jaw is huge, and yet somehow appealing. I don't understand it, I just know it is what it is. This series is essentially comedians vs. comedians, concerning the most mundane high school debate team topics possible (i.e. "pie vs. cake").

  #itseveninoururinals #cakeprivilege #cakeriarchy #onastoveinapan #toporbottom #bigfrosting #windowsillthieves #facesmash #cakeisalie #cheesecakeispie #cakewashing #bigbake #pizzaispie #weareallpie #fucknotallcakes #piedantic #pieunsarelife #piedontfuckaround #thecakeisalie #whatjasonbiggshadsexwithinthatmovie #pieistruth

  (If you haven't noticed... I'm #teampie)

  Also, Gilbert Gottfried being Gilbert Gottfried.

• Detroiters

  A Seth Meyers alum and the fucking outstanding human being that is Sam Richardson try to be Mad Men in present-day Detroit. There's well-timed vomit, shattered (not broken) glass, very old drugs, and the choice of hot or cold beer. What more could you want? Watch it. #whatsupdoc

• Feud

  A retelling of the alleged (come on, it fuckin' happened) real-life feud between Bette and Joan, focusing on the making of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?. It's quintessentially Ryan Murphy ("Ryan Murphy" is a verb here, not a noun), so it's got a touch of the exaggerated. But, hey, Jessica Lange is back on our TV screens and Susan Sarandon is back doing what she does best (specifically: not supporting a bound-to-lose presidential candidate and fucking shit up for the rest of us).

• Five by Five

  A pretty exceptional series of short films. Each of the five episodes only lasts about 5 minutes (get it?) and they each follow individuals whose stories interconnect. Definitely worth a watch, if you can do so.

• The History of Comedy

  A great documentary series. First episode mainly focuses on all the bad words I type way too often in this here blog. If you like docs and you like laughing, watch it.

• I Like You Just the Way I Am

  A fun little web series written by and starring Jenny Mollen. You may remember her as the werewolf you hated on Angel, or Chelsea Handler's friend. She's a good time.

• Jeff & Some Aliens

  The first official spinoff of TripTank (which, if you didn't know, is an insane batch of animation sketches, à la Liquid Television). Jeff's your average Joe who happens to be living with a few aliens sent to Earth to study everyone and see if they're worth not killing. Cue: mayhem.

• My Brother, My Brother and Me

  Three brothers who give advice, make each other laugh a lot, and somehow make you wish you were in on the joke. Basically the 21st century version of an advice column that is worth watching, if for nothing more than chuckles. #toystorylife

  Also, they hunt ghosts. 'Cause, why wouldn't they?

  #hishandsaremadeofbones

• Rebel

  A badass cop who is having NONE OF IT. You wouldn't think a show about an unarmed black man being murdered by cops would make me happy, but in this tale, the victim's sister is a cop who was at the scene and did everything she could to prevent his death. So, you'd better believe she's gonna do everything she can to get his death avenged. We're finally getting a new perspective on these real-life situations that the media loves to spin into victim-shaming and race-baiting. It might get a little overdramatic at times, but this one's definitely worth a watch.

• Shrink

  A therapist living in a world that doesn't want him to be a therapist. Humor ensues. #armageddonlove

• Star

  I kind of can't believe I forgot to put this on the list way back in December, but, hey, I'm human. My bad. This comes from the beautiful mind of Lee Daniels. I do enjoy Empire, but honestly, it gets a bit too soap opera-y at times for my taste. Though, it does get silly, Star still manages to feel gritty and real. In a nutshell: it's the birth of a girl group, with a whole-lot-more drama crammed into that shell than I can get into in this description. But definitely check it out.

• Time: The Kalief Browder Story

  A fucking outstanding docuseries showing exactly how horribly the American criminal justice system fails, by way of one of its victims.

• Z: The Beginning of Everything

  Zelda Fitzgerald before, during, and after the happy part of her marriage with F. Scott. Christina Ricci is the jam and that is all I have to say about that.

Meh:

• Cardinal

  Pretty generic investigation drama, but Billy Campbell is usually a good time and Karine Vanasse is always a good time.

• The Collection

  A fairly gritty take on the Paris fashion scene that was. Chock-full of men trying to have successful careers (one of whom gets beaten to a bloody pulp for daring to have orgasms) and the women who exist to help them. Whether it be by being their rich trophy wives, their seamstresses, their models, or their gangsters. The first episode was okay enough for me to plan on watching episode 2, but not okay enough to make it to the "Definitely Watch This Series" list.

  P.S. It took me a good minute to place Jenna Thiam, but when I realized that she was from The Returned, it made me extra-happy because she is fan-fucking-tastic.

• Ghosts in the Hood

  The latest in a long line of ghost hunting crews. This one goes downtown, though. And they've got a comedian whose sole purpose is to crack jokes. More ghost hunting teams should take note of that, honestly. The only reason this one's listed in "Meh" is because the Ghost Brothers manage to be even funnier than said comedian.

• Hip Hop Squares

  A much crazier version of Hollywood Squares. Worth a watch, unless you're not a Hip-Hop fan. And Tiffany Haddish is literally taking over the world. That is all.

• Tattoo Girls

  Your run-of-the-mill tattoo shop show, except this one's all-women and, shock and awe, they manage to fight about guys in the first two episodes. Big ol' meh.

• Three Days to Live

  If you like sensationalized true crime, this series is yours to love. If the title isn't enough explanation for you, it deals with kidnapped people who, statistically, have three days to be found alive by law enforcement. There are two reasons why it's not on the "Do Not Watch" list. 1) It shows the immense strength of women. 2) It's narrated by Suchin Pak. I don't think she would devote her time to bullshit, no matter how big the paycheck.

Don't watch this shit:

• 13 Reasons Why

  It's just plain irresponsible. Sorry. To portray suicide as the only way out, to place the blame of suicide on everything but mental health, and to create the illusion that the more creative a suicide note can get, the more power you have in death... It's. Just. Fucking. Irresponsible. DO. NOT. WATCH. THIS.

• Fancy Boy

  Some kind of American/Aussie nonsense comedy hybrid that doesn't create a lot of laughs. Pass.

• Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am

  Cisfemale actors portraying men isn't any funnier than cismale actors portraying women, and that's really all I have to say about that.

  I lied, I have more to say: I mean... I'm all for female empowerment, but if you're gonna write a song about how periods are hilarious, I'm gonna need you to make it a good song. Okay, the end. Bye.