March Roundup, '20
Well, this month's a unique one, 'ey kids? I hope you're all staying safe at home and washing your hands on the reg. And when you inevitably find yourself in need of distraction, there's plenty of new TV to do the trick. As always, the extra good shit's in bold, but this month only one series really blew my mind wide open. More on that below...
Watch This Shit:
Listen, I don't know them two other folks, but Zainab is the jam. So, watch it for her and for her alone. Or if you're supes interested in statistical testing.
P.S. Shoutout to Jody Armour for keeping it really real!
Agatha Christie: The Pale Horse
Creepy British psychic magic murder mystery! With a lot of loose hairs. #blegh
It's only two episodes, give it a whirl.
I was prepared to dislike this one (because Apple+, duh), but Victoria Pedretti (who has quickly become one of my faves) singing jazz in 1919 obviously won me over.
Anyway, this anthology series featuring an "amazing story" each episode (you can decide for yourself whether they're actually amazing) is a remake of the 1985 series, which (in my defense) I had never heard of because it premiered about two months before my birth. So, don't take my TV junkie card from me, please and thanks.
The premiere episode deals with a gaddy's brother getting sent back in time because of, like, weather or some shit. It's cute if you don't think too hard about it. (But, if you're wondering: no, I would not call it amazing.)
The premise of the series annoyed me to the point where I almost didn't watch it, but I'm glad I did because it's shockingly funny. Basically: a Jew with a terrible dick is trying to be a rapper.
This one is special. It skips the standard, boring character introduction stuff and goes straight into the street flyers you happen to walk by that give you visions and shit, which are ultimately meant to illuminate the oneness and highlight the illusion of separateness. Or are they?
It's out-fucking-rageous, y'all. You absolutely must watch it. Plus, Eve Lindley for all of the wins for. ev. er.
A self-proclaimed Bart Simpson-like comedian and a "dangerous Mary Poppins" fall hard for each other. It's super cute. Except when one of them is ashamed of being a lesbian and doesn't take the anonymity of NA seriously enough.
P.S. Lisa Kudrow is back on a webcam and it's fantastic.
HRC's story, "unvarnished; beginning to end."
P.S. Shoutout to one of my very-long-time faves, Aimee Allen, lending her and The Interrupters' song for the intro.
It's hard to summarize this one, but it seems to essentially deal with a culture clash in the late '90s. Racism plays a central role, as does wealth disparity. And a whole mess of fire. Suffice it to say: lots of drama.
Reese Witherspoon is a rich suburban housewife with four kids and an insensitive Pacey to boot. One of Reese's kids is what some might call "troubled." (Though, back in the day I probably would've been friends with her.) When the kid intentionally sets her own hair on fire, Joshua Jackson suggests Reese see a therapist. I think that's about all the insight you need into what their home life is like.
Kerry Washington is a nomadic artist who rents one of Reese's apartments (she's a landlord on top of being a journalist in pearls) with her daughter, an aspiring poet who only ever paints one wall (because it's easier to paint back when they inevitably move again). After some verbal blows from daughter to mother, and through uncomfortable twists and turns throughout the first episode, Kerry takes Reese up on an offer to become. her. fucking. maid. (I know, right?)
Fuckkkkk yesssss! If you don't know, part of gotdamn Weinstein's disgusting life resulted in Lifetime losing the rights to Project Runway and its spin-offs. This led to Bravo buying it back and, through some shitty bullshit, losing Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn's sexy ass. Which, obviously, resulted in the new seasons of Project Runway being mostly awful. (Although Geoffrey Mac can get it and do whatever the fuck he wants with it.) Enter Heidi & Tim making a brand new fashion competition series on Amazon, too damn long in the making, and finally here for you to swim in until your fingers get pruney, because, bitch, you'll fucking want to. It's a really great return to form in a revitalized medium for the duo and they are very welcomed on this queer's screen.
The Most Dangerous Animal of All
Heads up for a "true crime" twist we haven't seen before. An adopted son searches for his birth parents and finds that his biological father is a serial killer.
I'm normally not so into these "alternate history" shows, mostly because they tend to be "What if the bad guys got whatever they wanted?" Which... no fucking thank you, obviously. But this alternate history tale is one in which the "witches" of the Salem trials actually were witches and they basically said "be afraid, be very afraid" instead of getting hanged. Today, not only are these most powerful women on the front lines, they're the entire gotdamn army. But, #twist, some of them are also a terrorist threat. (Not all Slayers can be Buffy, y'all. Some of them are Faith.)
Rob Riggle: Global Investigator
Rob Riggle has, at various times, been an actor, comedian, and a Marine. So, yeah, why shouldn't he be an adventurer/explorer/ancient-mystery-solver?
Self Made: Inspired by The Life of Madam C. J. Walker
Octavia Spencer is Madam C. J. Walker. Born just two years after emancipation, she's a laundress-turned-entrepreneur by way of a hair product businesswoman treating her like an ugly duckling because she had the audacity to sell the products successfully. When told very clearly that her help wasn't wanted, solely because of her looks, she sets out to create her own, better products. (She's fierce as fuck when she does it, too.)
P.S. Tiffany Haddish plays her daughter and she is eeeverything.
Adult Swim gives women a chance and, whaddyaknow, a new ridiculous live action show that's actually funny!
Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness
Honestly, I wasn't gonna watch this one. When I speed-read the synopsis, I thought, "Tiger breeding? Nah." But then everyone on fucking Earth lost their shit over it, so I gave it another look. That's when I realized, "Ohhh, it's the new Netflix true crime sensaish!"
Cut to me on episode 4 at 2 a.m. last night.
So, yeah, give this truly wild, gay, polyamorous cult, zookeeping, tiger-y, paranoid, murderous tale a try.
True Terror with Robert Englund
Creepy stories from Freddy Krueger! Listen, the budget isn't nearly has high as the cheese factor (the green screen background kills me), but I'm not mad at Halloween in March. And you shouldn't be either!
A queer kid (with a deep [and appropriate] love for Waiting to Exhale) comes home from a night of lesbian love to find all of her stuff on the curb because she can't seem to pay rent on time. Her straight besties show up to save(/scold) her. It's hella funny.
Meh:
Kids are the fucking worst. So are parents. Daisy Haggard and Martin Freeman prove it to you in this series. It's funny when it's not annoying, but it is frequently annoying because, can you guess? That's right. Because kids are. the. fucking. worsttt.
In a San Franciscan future, Ron Swanson promotes a Russian to the "Devs" team because he figured out how to predict an organism's movement for thirty seconds. Once inside the "Devs" headquarters (a literal floating computer lab inside a building), Sergei sits at a computer with not much more direction than "Go." After, like, a minute, he runs to the bathroom to have a full breakdown, not because the magical "Devs" coding was so overwhelming, but because because he's some kind of super spy who was about to steal the codes with his "James Bond wristwatch." Caught (seemingly without any effort) by end of business day, Sergei is swiftly murdered.
Now, I'll be honest, a lot of it went over my head. Exciting sci-fi to some is usually boring sci-fi to me. (I fell asleep during every single attempted screening of any of the Star Wars and Star Trek films, for example.) But, thankfully, it seems all of that was just the setup to the real premise: Lily (Sergei's partner) trying to find out what the fuck happened to him.
Don't Watch This Shit:
A slightly smaller world of no than Council of Dads (see [my favorite microreview ever] below) 'cause this one at least might make you chuckle, but still... no.
NOPE. Just no. No. A world of no.
The Forgotten West Memphis Three
An egotistical true crime podcaster with a savior complex exploits the West Memphis Three case for air time. There is already a trilogy of documentary films (a quadrilogy if you include West of Memphis) about the case, so this two-part TV series seems superfluous to me. Especially since it's already crystal clear that Terry Hobbs did it.
Lip Sync Battle, but dancing. And "funny."
We all need silly, dance-y shit right now, so I wanted to like it, but... I just can't, y'all. Sorry.
Poor Will Arnett.
The worst narrator ever quickly slow-talks you through some potentially interesting shit he squeezes into 22 minutes. Stick with Riggle.
Honorable Mention:
Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution
A look at a camp for disabled people that went far beyond a summer and quite literally changed the world. It is definitely worth a watch.
This powerful true crime drama, with a tour de force performance by Amy Ryan, centers around the aftermath of the Long Island serial killer's murders and the victims' families attempts at solving their cases. It sounded painfully familiar to me and, after some searching, I remembered it was featured in A&E's The Killing Season. You should check out that series as well if you can.