October Roundup, '19
A day late, with apologies. October was nutsss! It was my first time tackling Inktober, but I still squeezed in all this shiz for you lovelies. As always, the extra good shit's in bold. Jump on in, kids...
Watch This Shit:
The Midnight Society is back, in hour-long horror drama form, and it's a good fucking time. The campfire anthology stories are still there, just smack dab in the middle of the ongoing serial. It's refreshing. It's spooky. It's family friendly fun.
Also, yesssss, Mr. Tophat! That bitch is sexy. I am so here for him.
A teenager witnesses the aftermath of some kind of crime while attempting to communicate with her deceased mother. After the criminals jump and threaten her, she realizes her attempt at a spell may have been successful, seeing as how a bundle of twigs (Blair Witch-style) starts stalking her.
It sounds stupider than it actually is. Hopefully it turns out better than Light as a Feather turned out to be. (My bad for never putting it on the "Quit Watching Shit Shit" list, by the way. That should've happened long ago.)
It's Ferris Bueller meets the apocalypse. Young Sam Winchester is all growed-up (and ironically in love with a girl named Sam Dean) in the middle of it, ready to show us how "sweet" post-apocalyptic life can be. (Spoiler alert: shit gets a little less sweet and a little more Mad Max-y.)
"You can watch a documentary and you can say, 'Well, this is too bad.' But at the end of the day, it's just something that you're watching on TV. Then you can turn that off and you can go about your life." Thus begins a vitally important docuseries that follows 8 families which include undocumented citizens in today's America.
Paul Rudd is mis. Er. A. Blegh. He gets referred to a spa by a once-cool friend turned super-douche who promises him it will change his left. Desperate to be a bit more douchey (I suppose?), he decides to clean out his bank account and go for it, without telling his wife (Aisling Bea!!!).
Turns out the spa's exclusive process is to "rebuild DNA." He goes in for the procedure, gets put to sleep, then wakes up buried underground and wrapped in cellophane. And that's not even the last plot twist, y'all! Trust me, give this one a good go. (Even though they've managed to do the impossible: make Paul Rudd look like he's aged.)
A retro coming-of-age story set in 2005 (which, like, JUST FUCKING HAPPENED) about a skinny kid (it's a whole thing) obsessed with last words (that too) who decides that going to a year-long camp is the answer to his problems. He falls for a girl, gets in with the smart crowd, and it's... yeah, I can't lie: it's real cute. Until it gets real dark (and I don't mean the swan [a.k.a. "the spawn of Satan"]).
Also, Jonah got a pornstache.
Definitely the most original idea for a game show I've heard in a while. Jameela Jamil (!!!) and the guys from Impractical Jokers (I'm gay, so... insert Mariah Carey gif here) help contestants figure out where, on a "misery scale" of 0 to 100, viral videos belong (as decided by a panel of psychological experts). It's sort of Card Sharks meets YouTube, without the second half of Card Sharks that's based solely on chance (which, sidebar: completely ruins that show for me, but I digress). Jameela can do no wrong, so give it a shot.
Amazon's answer to Netflix's Easy. Love stories (romantic or otherwise) in half hour chunks.
This limited series is equal parts dumb jock starting college, mom (Katheryn Hahn!!!) becoming an empty-nester, and porn.
It's more standard A Haunting fare, but I must say, the dramatizations are a lot more atmospheric and creepy than most. It relies much more heavily on narration from the real-life witnesses of paranormal activity than the terrible acting of the people attempting to recreate it.
Now that David Spade is busy not giving a shit about anything he's talking about on Comedy Central, the folks from his truTV series have hitched their wagon to Gaten Matarazzo and Netflix. Folks get pranked, it's silly and scary, and worth a watch (if, for nothing else, than to add a guilty pleasure to your list).
A really frickin' adorable hour-long family drama about a single mother of a young boy who finds out that he just so happens to have super powers.
A hip-hop music competition that isn't about all the bickering reality show bullshit.
I know y'all know I'm a U.S. TV watcher. But I also know that y'all know that I know how to watch everything I need to (and you know the list of my TV "needs" is a long one). So, you're damn right I found a way to watch me some UK Drag Race. And you should too. (Hint: the solution is WOW+.)
(Also, in case you're wondering, I'm calling the crown for Divina de Campo.)
Set in the Watchmen world, but not based strictly on the comics, this series adaptation launches with a heartbreaking punch, in the middle of the 1921 Tulsa Race Massacre. It quickly fast forwards to a contemporary (and very alternative) Oklahoma, where superheroes and vigilantism have been outlawed and police officers are the only ones who wear masks (for their protection). Regina King (!!!!!) is a detective at the center of the story and she kicks so much ass that it makes my heart smile, y'all. Regarding the man in the trunk of her car she states: "I've got a nose for white supremacy and he smells like bleach." Need I say more?
A 5-minute animated IMDb original series (yeah, they're jumping on the bandwagon now too) about a psychiatrist to the supernatural. It's cute. And free. Do it.
A pair of sisters meets a pair of brothers in Birmingham, mid-zombie apocalypse. They survive the only way they can: canal boat (#natch).
Meh:
Three years post-Batman, Gotham City is reeling. Ruby Rose's Kate Kane (cousin to Bruce and lover of ladies) decides to take up the mantle when her ex gets snatched.
It does feel a skosh more like Batman & Robin than Gotham (as in: more clunky than sleek), but that could just be a matter of the new series finding its sea legs. Being the forever Buffy stan that I am, though, it feels really good having another woman kicking ass on TV. (But, not for nothing, Regina King's doing it better.)
I was gonna give it a big ol' "Watch" because this shit started out really interesting. It does devolve into more of the all-too-familiar "hey, we investigate spooky shit, let's make a show" shit, but... the twist here is they're re-investigating hauntings documented in recently discovered case files of the so-called "first ghost hunter" in America, Hans Holzer. So, the first half of the episodes delve into the files and the history of the locations, but the second half is all ridiculous psychic bullshit and "oh my god, something just touched me, I swear!" nonsense.
In yet another Ink Master spin-off, 3 champions of prior seasons put other previous competitors in head to head matches and decide which artist is better. I would've given it a hearty "Watch" if Ryan Ashley wasn't the only one judging properly.
Tiffany Haddish is putting on her family-friendly hat in this reboot and chatting it up with some kids. Whether they're funny kids or not is up to you, I suppose. But Tiffany's the real star.
Roanoke meets Serial. Jessica Biel is an investigative podcaster researching a town that one day, and very suddenly, had all of its inhabitants completely vanish in an instant.
When the time is spent on Biel's character, and just how oh-so-curious she is (you can tell because of the long pauses and her furrowed brow [#acting]) about Limetown, frankly, it's annoying. But when it's about the actual mystery of the missing people, it's pretty damn interesting, and eerily so at that.
After a few somewhat unsuccessful films, the powers-that-be figured it was time to try Ms. Drew on TV again. There have been way more gotdamn Spider-mans, so I'm not complaining. Plus, a grown Nancy, in between high school and college, should make for more interesting mysteries. Case and point: some kind of sea ghost murdering a mob wife on camera.
The problem is, the CW is just trying a bit too hard to get another Riverdale on their hands, and not really succeeding. So, this series is another one suffering from a bad case of bland. At the moment, at least.
Don't Watch This Shit:
Um... so, Fox thought "people in America probably don't have Netflix, right?" And figured an American version of an Australian show that's been streamable for over a year is what they need for their channel right now. Pass.
Ridiccccculoussssssssss.
Aside from the addition of a Winnebago, this is just a Zak Bagans-produced ripoff of Paranormal Lockdown. (I guess that queen's still salty about Nick Groff leaving her behind.)
Borrrrringggggggggg.
Honorable Mention:
Netflix put out a handful of creepers this month, but this is the one that stuck with me. A pair of siblings pauses on their road trip, Jeepers Creepers-style, and hears a child screaming for help from inside a tall grass field by the road. So, they go in (as you would [if you've never seen a scary movie]), but get separated and lost because this fucked up, Twilight Zone-ass field, you see, keeps moving. Or maybe it's moving them? Or I don't know, maybe it's fucking time travelling or something? (#intrigue)
Props to them for keeping it real, by the way. They were real quick to say "fuck this kid, we gotta save ourselves now" only about 10 minutes in. And then Patrick Wilson shows up, in full dilf-mode, to add another level of spooky. Not to mention the giant damn alien rock fuckin' thing?! It's crazy, scary fun, folks. Give it a watch.
The Shit I Missed:
With guest stars like Jigsaw, Gus Fring, and everyone's favorite snake charmer, this adaptation of the Creepshow films is a welcomed horror staple to TV. I'm just mad I missed it last month! (It should've premiered in October anyway, if we're all being honest.)
For those who don't know, it's anthology stories, bookended by a Crypt Keeper-esque comic book dude (but don't expect clever puns, this bitch doesn't talk).