July Roundup, '19
Y'all, July sucks. It's so fuckin' hot outsiiiiiiiiide. Everyone's either floating in a pool, being slutty on a beach, or having sex in their air conditioned home (#lucky), but they for damn sure aren't making new TV. It is slim pickin's this month, but let's dive in nonetheless:
Watch This Shit:
Powers meets Punisher. It's a bit more serious than the former and a bit less serious than the latter, but the comparison stands. Superheroes are celebrities who are above the law and a group of vigilantes ("the boys" [gurl, I know, that dumb fuckin' name]) want justice for the crimes the supes don't get punished for.
If for no other reason, watch it just to see Antony Starr's sexy ass bleached blonde and happy for a change (shoutout to Banshee!).
Chelsea Lately's back, y'all.
I'd put it in "Meh" for adding yet another white penis to late-night, buuuuut... Chelsea Lately's a good time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Chicago meets Detroiters meets Reno 911 meets Superstore meets... Dog the Bounty Hunter? It's a whole bunch of stuff combined into one actually funny package.
Also, it's a real good thing that Rel got cancelled, so Lil' Rel can steal all the scenes in this one.
Saturday morning cartoons for grown-ass millennials.
Meh:
Glass Blowing: The Reality Competition Show. I binged the whole shebang, and the wrong person won, hence "Meh."
A comedy competition show, featuring more than just stand-up. Jeff Foxworthy (#redneck), Keenan Thompson (he's waaaay more chill than he appears to be on SNL), and Chrissy Teigen (yeah, I don't know why she's there either) judge 10 acts each episode, but only 6 make it through to the next round. It's admittedly a mixed bag, but doesn't deserve a definitive "Don't Watch."
A not-too-terrible music reality show. It seems like it's gonna focus a lot on behind the scenes drama, which does strike a different cord than your run of the mill Idol or Voice, but it doesn't make me want to watch it any more than the aforementioned candy-coated fluff we're used to.
For Batman fans who like James Bond and don't actually like Batman. It's Alfred's backstory.
Don't Watch This Shit:
Ummm... a big-ass infinity-shaped alien spaceship lands on Earth and turns into a giant diamond-stalk. Sooo... naturally, America's dumbass sends a bunch of folks into outer space to find out what the hell it is... from, like, thousands of lightyears-or-whatever-the-fuck away from the damn thing.
Florida trash (I lived there for ten years, I'm allowed to keep it real) are mad one of them got the fuck out of there. So... comedy? I mean, to be fair, there are a couple of chuckles here and there, but this one's getting an official Preemptive RIP. Destined for cancellation.
Category is: Movies That Don't Need to Be TV Shows.
Lil' Kim wanted a reality show, so she invited a bunch of her besties (whom she openly admits to not being close with, so...?) on a yacht. If you're into watching rich folks be rich on a rich-ass fucking boat, then go nuts, y'all, this one's for you.
Even though the death knell is tolling, Facebook is still trying. They think Zac Efron (#eyeroll) and Anna Kendrick, animated and in the stone age, will do the trick. Spoiler alert: it won't.
Honorable Mentions:
They're diving deep into the true crime documentaries this month. First up, I know you remember the text message suicide case, they tackled that with I Love You, Now Die. Following that case up with Behind Closed Doors, they deal with the still unsolved murders of a 13-year-old girl and her family's servant in India. And lastly, Who Killed Garrett Phillips?, which paints the clear picture of how a black man who was eventually found innocent remained the one and only suspect in a small-town murder of a 12-year-old boy, also still unsolved.
Just a touch of the metaphysical, but mostly the magic of music and home. The first person story of Rick Ruben. If you're at all interested in music history in any fucking way whatsoever, do not let yourself skip this one.
The Shit I Missed:
If you've been following my microreviews over the years (thanks, boo), you might've picked up on the fact that history and I don't jive. On the other hand, horror and I are best-good-friends. This anthology series, which I passed up last year (because it seemed heavier on the history than horror), takes actual historic events, and fictionalizes them into creepy-as-fuck tales of the supernatural, making the not-so-tedious slog through history rather entertaining.
Season one centers around John Franklin's lost 1845 expedition, while the second season (set to premiere August 12th), will be set in a WWII Japanese internment camp.
What Just Happened??! With Fred Savage
The after-show for the world's biggest TV series [that doesn't actually exist]. This shit is genius. It premiered on the 30th of June, so it slipped through my cracks, but definitely give it a shot.
PS: I make it a point to never comment on reboots, but... VERONICA FATHERCUSSING MARS. WATCH. THAT. SHIT. It is a shame the whole gang isn't all there (#wemissmac #stillteampiz), but Kirby Howell-Baptiste makes up for it in spades because of course she does.