March Roundup, '18

Nicole Bayer for President! That is all. I mean, except for all this...

Watch This Shit:

• Barry

  I can't tell if Bill Hader's depressed or if he's depressing. Either way, he's a hitman who accidentally becomes an actor.

  I wasn't on board until Henry Winkler started instructing the fuck out of an acting student slogging her way through a Magnolia monologue.

• Champions

  I am beyond obsessed with Mindy as the mom of a sharp-witted gayby. Also, I'm gonna need them to quit acting like Anders Holm is playing the less attractive brother. He may be a little goofy looking, sure, but that bitch fine.

  Otherwise, this comedy centering around an estranged father and his gym (I know, gurl, but give it a shot) is a good time.

• Christiane Amanpour: Sex and Love Around the World

  The prolific journalist talks to folks who fuck about fucking. Everywhere.

• Divided States

  I'll be honest, this one's a difficult, painful watch. The ties that bind America stopped existing a long, long time ago and this docuseries tells the story of what that means today. If you can't make it through an episode, I feel you... but I urge you to look through the Anti-Defamation League's accompanying literature.

• Nailed It!

  Nicole Byer continues taking over the worldddddddddd. This time, she's letting bad bakers do their thing and, y'all... it's delish.

• Showtime at the Apollo

  Apollo's back, y'all! Honestly, if you need me to explain it... shame on you. Of course you should watch this.

• The Tattoo Shop

  So, Facebook's trying to stream now. (They picked up Loosely Exactly Nicole for a second season, so I guess I can't be mad at it.) With this über-nonlinear series (airing Thursdays, Fridays, and allegedly Mondays), they are exploring the Miami tattoo artists who exploded ink TV a bunch of years back. I stopped watching Miami Ink well before the series ended, so I'm not sure how it did so, but apparently there was bad blood. The blood's cleaned up now and they're focusing on the tattoos rather than the bullshit.

  P.S. If you're just trying to watch a good tattoo show (like I am), commit to the 15-minute Thursday episodes and call it a day.

Meh:

• For the People

  Shondaland goes to court. That either really excites you or you're completely indifferent to it. Hence: meh.

• Genius Junior

  So, admittedly... I fucking hate kids. And these are all the annoying kids who know too much shit for their own good. If you can stand that, you've got plenty of it (and some Neil Patrick Harris in full Dad mode to boot) in this new quiz show.

• Instinct

  Alan Cumming is a good time, and, yeah, an openly gay man is headlining a primetime series which is a big fucking deal and all, but COME ON, PEOPLE. I am so goddamned tired of the female cop who just can't quite seem to break the case without the male civilian's help. CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

• Laurieann Gibson: Beyond the Spotlight

  I like Laurieann. Her work is good. When this show focuses on the work, it's good. When it nosedives into the personal shit (and Laurieann finds herself in another random setting, sipping champaign, talking about the other people who "drank the Kool-Aid..."), it's not.

• Muppet Babies

  If you have kids: congrats, they're gonna be cooler people if you make them watch this. If you don't have kids: get some weed. If you're an adult with no kids who doesn't smoke weed: don't watch this.

  P.S. Whoever the fuck that fucking penguin thinks she is, she can suck a fat one. #JusticeForSkeeter

• Siren

  It's a "real life" drama about mermaids, with heavy emphasis on the drama. Hard to grasp the real life of it, though.

• Sundays with Alec Baldwin

  ABC, in trying to be old ABC (which is basically knock-off current PBS), gave Alec a new talk show. Him and a friend (different friends, naturally, but one at a time [sidebar: that detail is as exciting as things get]) briefly discuss various topics. Fascinating things, like Ronald Reagan's cufflink habits and Seinfeld's Carson suit. It's a whole classic TV thing.

Don't Watch This Shit:

• Deception

  Honestly, I couldn't write a description of this show without feeling like I shouldn't recommend it. It's just that ridiculous.

  A world famous magician (who is secretly two magicians, identical twins, living as a single person) gets caught up in some kind of murder scandal and is (are?) subsequently found out to be brothers. One of them goes to prison while the other goes to a bar. At the bar, he notices a news story on TV that is clearly: The FBI struggling with a case because they, for some reason, are not treating it like magic. So, he goes to the scene. To help the FBI. With his knowledge of magic. And the FBI is like, "Thanks! Your help is actually really appreciated, complete stranger who's currently a national disgrace, and we're not even being sarcastic. Come investigate with us some more!" And that's the show. Goodbye.

  P.S. I FUCKING LOVE magician shit. Let me crystal clear. I'm seriously all about it. I even watch that awful Dean Cain mess on the CW (though, they have Fool Us as well, which is the mother fucking jam and you should definitely watch it if you aren't already). So, I wanted to love this. But, gurl, it's baaad.

• Life Sentence

  A young woman gets diagnosed with cancer (toughest of breaks, granted) and, long story short: survives! Not even just survives, though; we're not talking about remission here, y'all... we're talking "CURED." Straight up was-about-to-die, is-now-completely-cancer-free cured. Great news, right? You'd think. But this entire series revolves around her complaining about all the shit she has to deal with now that she gets to live. The CW thinks that's cute. (It's not.)

• Marcia Clark Investigates the First 48

  Good for her for banking on the success of ACS and parleying it into a new TV career, but this ain't groundbreaking shit, no matter how many times they pull the "everything you think you know about x-y-z is wrong" card.

• Rise

  If Ryan Murphy tried really, really hard to turn Glee into This Is Us.

• Trauma

  When his son is stabbed to death, a dickhead of a father rages war against the doctor who couldn't save him. To be clear: It took 38 minutes for someone to wonder WHO THE FUCK STABBED THE KID. As a matter of fact, at minute 39, Daddy Dearest interrupted that sensible conversation to bring the focus back where it belongs: the doctor that didn't do the stabbing?

  Speaking of "doctor," btw, this series is a pale comparison to season 2 of Doctor Foster (written by the same author), which was a terrible, awful, horribly pale comparison to season 1. So, this here is just plain not good. Not to mention: it will only make you feel sad and/or angry. Potentially confused. But that's about it. If "not good, sad, and angry" sounds like your cup of tea, go ahead and drink it up, but I find it kind of gross.

Honorable Mention:

• Edha

  I didn't watch it, 'cause I never learned to speak Spanish ('cause I'm a terrible Argentinian) and I don't want to read subtitles at the moment ('cause I'm a terrible American), but this is the first Netflix original from Argentina. And there's, like, fashion and murder and stuff. So, try it out, y'all!

• The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling

  The life and times of Garry Shandling, as told by his friend and mentee Judd Apatow.