December Roundup, '17

Watch This Shit:

• Happy!

  Ever the DILF, Christopher Meloni is an ex-cop who just won't die. He fantasizes about blowing his brains out and subsequently dancing under his anti-gravity flow of disco brain blood. And, y'all, that extremely accurate sentence isn't even as crazy as this shit gets. The series plotline seems to be: a kidnapped girl's imaginary friend enlists our anti-hero to find her. Think Dirk Gently meets Bing Bong. And prepare yourself for getting turned on (at a moment when you really shouldn't) by a wino, covered in blood, dry humping a fire extinguisher.

Don't Watch This Shit:

• Ellen's Game of Games

  I never thought I'd put anything by Ellen in a "Don't" list, but... this shit's just too messy. It's contestants screaming their faces off after every word Ellen utters, when they're not subjecting themselves to a whole mess of nonsense in order to maybe win money. Just stick with the talk show, the games are better there, plus everyone always wins something.

• Stripped

  A couple of dumbasses volunteer to have every item they own taken away from them for, like, a month because why wouldn't they. I suppose it's top shelf TV if you like hanging out with miserable nudists.

• Tarantula

  Nah. I was high when I watched it and it still didn't make me laugh.

• Tender Touches

  Badly composed and sung animated operas. Again, maybe if I were a lot higher than I currently am, but alas... nope.

And that's it, folks. December kinda sucked. Coming soon is the final "Shit I Missed" Roundup of 2017 (which definitely won't be posted until 2018). Also, a brand spanking new website, kids. Yeah, I'm overhauling my entire online presence. I'm still stuck at my day job, so it'll take a minute, but ooh-wee do I feel good about this. I'm determined to get it done, so get it done I will.